I understand...humans want to move on. We are always looking for the next thing. And while I can't deny that I am excited about the next part, I feel as though we are leaving our old friend behind. Like most things old in our society she is being put to rest before her time. Four days left, four opportunities to do our best work yet.

I watched the DVD of our performance. Now I've watched myself before and as per usual I began judging IMMEDIATELY! The usual suspects turned up..."grrrlll stand up straight"..."I should start doing push-ups"..."I need to revisit that diet"...and so on. Then there was the quality of the DVD. It was SO dark- you could barely see the slides, no close-ups so no facial expressions and the sound...I can't even get it out. Let's just say everything was recorded through the one video camera mic and it has two volumes: really soft and really really loud. I could only sit through part of Act I. But since I've been away from it for a few days, I realize that there are things that I haven't done and can still do for Harper, Angels and myself. This has been quite and experience. I've felt very off balance and when I think I've got it under control that's when it back fires on me the biggest.

I can't help but question if that is when we perform our best, when we are trying to be the best we can be. Now, when I say perform I don't just mean on the legitimate stage. I mean the performance space we call our lives. I mean when we are trying to figure things out, discovering and committing and energy and love for the work and each other. I mentioned in an earlier post that I always like the process more than the performance because once we open I feel as though my "work" is done. As I sit here trying to figure all this out I've come to the realization that my work is far from done and that I've been cheating myself out of perfection. That the search for faultlessness (WHAT! it's a word) is what drives our best work. Once we feel as though we've done what we can, we no longer try. At best, we simply maintain.

This weekend I will be sad. I'll miss doing what I love with the people I love. Not just the love of theater but Angles In America and not just any people but Gabriel and Shannon, Andrew, Allen, Chris and Robby and Pete, ma' PKP, Richard and David, Terry, Suzanne, Towanda and Don. I'll be trying to get every last breath of life out of our ol' girl. I'll mourn her when she's gone and remember her fondly when I hear our song on the radio. And on Sunday at around 4:59 like most things in life I'll take what I can and move on...but not a second before. xo